Manderz

I'm really upset about a bunch of things right now so I figured I'd vent on them. 

Number 1:  Reslife
My school's residence life and housing services is so fucking incompetent and uncooperative.  I finished finals 2 weeks ago, but didn't decide to fly home since I'm doing research here over the summer and I also wanted to attend Summer Conference with the Oxy Intervarsity Christian fellowship group on Catalina Island.  So with one week before my research starts, I decided that I would just stay in Rangeview Hall (a dorm on campus), moving into my summer housing room. 

When I went to the Reslife office to ask that instead of having my roommate and I move into a random rangeview room, they should move me into my summer research room.  They said that they couldn't do that because the rooms need to be cleaned, and when I asked, she said that I needed to understand that there are still seniors living there and people in general living there.  So ...I basically held my tongue and said that I understood and walked out.  So while I was on Catalina Island, my roommate needed to move my stuff along with her own to our temporary rangeview room.  Now she's gone and I'm stuck with my friend's frog and some of my roommate's stuff and everything that I have basically. 

I was told today, an hour before everyone was supposed to move out (even though I had been emailing and trying to call to get a straight answer from someone 3 weeks ago) that I could move into my summer housing room, but I would be assessed a fee of 210 dollars for my stay.  GREAT!!!  I don't really have that kind of money to spare and I feel bad because it's going to be billed to my student account and my parents may need to drop money for that.  I'll have to pay them back which puts somewhat of a dent in my stipend but it's okay I guess. 

Facilities is coming by sometime tomorrow to take my stuff to my new room...I wasn't told when so I guess I'll just get up super early and see what happens from there.  They when my stuff is moved, I'll have to go to the card office and get my id coded so that I have access to my room.  Hopefully all of that shit gets sorted out by tomorrow. 

Number 2: Family Shit
Family drama strikes again as I call my mom and all she can do is tell me everything that's going wrong at home.  I know I should stop her and not let her tell me because I get so fucking pissed to find out that all this shit is happening and no one is doing anything about it.  I'm just like, that's nice.  There's no more that I can actually do from there.  I don't know how to talk to my dad since all he does is drink, yell, and try to control the lives around him.  I don't know how to make him happy.  I don't know what to say when he calls...I feel like i'm being punished everytime he talks to me and as a 20 year old, I don't think that's necessary anymore.  I don't know how to tell him so that he won't get super angry at me.  I guess I could pray about it.  I should pray about it.  

My niece is causing so much shit with her mom and then her school too.  She's skipping class and band practice to hang out with her friend and her friend's boyfriend.  Now, Ashile, my niece, goes to Highlands Intermediate School which is not the best.  That's where my cousin started using and drinking and basically hanging with the wrong crowd.  I felt like Middle School was when I made the decision of the type of friends I wanted to make and keep so that i would stay on track with my grades and schoolwork.  I don't want to see any harm come to Ashlie, but she isn't going to pass the 7th grade unless she starts really doing well.  I told her that if she could get straight A's in the 8th grade, I would get her a laptop computer.  I don't know if that request was too, crazy though, since she isn't used to being the "smart" one in class although I know she's certainly capable of getting As.  So I don't know what to do about that especially since she's fighting at school and being threatened.  Oh boy...

My mom's health is deterioating and I feel like she's lost track of her diabetes and honestly doesn't think that any harm will happen to her.  She just doesn't take care of herself anymore and her weight up and down so quickly.  I try to encourage her, but for all I know she could not be managing her health at all.  My mom doesn't deal with conflict well though.  She chooses not to involve herself in it and only steps in when asked.  My older sister doesn't like to talk to my mom about things and thinks my mom doesn't understand which only makes my mom feel less needed and appreciated.  Again, I can't cheer her up since I'm not physically there and she always worries about me even though I tell her not to.  I get so irritated so quickly on the phone with her that sometimes I have to just hang up or I'll hear her say "I love you" and I'll just end the call without returning a response. 

I often feel like my family isn't really a family and that no one even cares about anyone.  It's hard sometimes because I feel like I'm the only one that ever speaks up about how I feel I often feel caught up in everyone's business and troubles and feel so helpless sometimes knowing that no matter what I do, nothing can be fixed.  It just makes me sad a lot.  I know I should try to rely more on Jesus, but I don't know how long it will take for him to work out the issues my family has.  I guess that's how my faith is not as strong as it could be.  I'm working on it though.  I just get tired of telling everyone who wants to know how I'm doing or how my family is the same story because I don't want them to think that I'm a miserable person.  I don't need anyone to pity me or pat me on the back.  I just need for all of this shit to escape the fan and just disappear. 

I'm fucking done with half of my undergraduate education and I'm so scared of what's going to happen next and how hard I'm going to have to work next year with school, clubs, planning for medical school, etc.  All of it is just so intimidating.  Then my christian friends will say that I need to "give it up to Jesus".  Honestly, I don't really know what that would look like and how I would do that.  I've never been able to place complete trust in Jesus consistently.  I feel like there are times when I definitely sense his presence with me that I know that I'll be okay....in this case, I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen.  Life is so hard sometimes. 

Alright that's it for now.  I need to put my clothes in the dryer and I wanna play some ukulele instead of just sitting and being caught up in my thoughts.  Reflection time is great but it sometimes can be such a downer. 

mood: contemplative

So I'm going to somehow rank the things that I say to my Haole (Haole in the foreigners-to-Hawaii sense) friends that make them all look at me and think I'm either 1)Really funny or 2) not making any sense and 3)Silly Hawaiians.

1.slippers
   Ok I still don't understand this mainlanders.  You slip these shoes on.  In Hawaii we really have no need for those furry slippers to dissociate them from the regular rubber ones.  Sorry but it's still slippers and will always be for me.  NO FLIP FLOPS ALLOWED!!!

2. "mine's is"
    I'm not sure if any of my Hawaii friends can attest to this one, but I fall on this tack all the time.  I'll be talking and this phrase will just slip in and then my mainland friends will stop me mid-sentence and say "What?  Don't you mean mine is?"  I told that that it's just a pidgin phrase but I could be wrong because this may be particular to myself and no one else.  What do you guys think?

3. pidgin a.k.a. Hawaii creole
   So this isn't a bird....it's a language that a lot of people speak in Hawaii.  My dad does, my filipino grandma and grandpa do it as well.  I remember saying "Shoots den, we go" just to be funny and then realizing that no one freaking knew what I was talking about.  It was actually kind of funny. 

4) "Aren't Hawaiians just people from Hawaii?"
  This one is one of the ones that bugs me the most.  First of all just because you are from Hawaii, that does not make you Hawaiian.  I think this probably stems from the fact that I along with a lot of my friends have gone to a school for Hawaiians so labeling everyone from Hawaii, Hawaiian....just isn't right.  So all those Asian grads from Iolani ARE NOT Hawaiian.  lol.  Yeah there are so many Asian Hawaii people at Oxy that I just had to bring that up and yes a lot of them are from Iolani.  

5)Weird words that I say
   I've said "Homeland" to describe where people are from which people get a kick out of.  Then there was "wagon" apparently they are "shopping carts."  Well excuse me.  Oh and the other was "parking stall."  To Haole its a parking space.  They told me that stalls are in the bathroom.  I'm usually the minority with my friends because I don't really hang out with a lot of the Hawaii people.  Kind of funny.  Yeah.

If you guys can think of anything else that you can add on to this list or any kind of experiences you've had with your mainland friends, I'd definitely like to hear about it. 

mood: tired

So I'm in Tucson, AZ with my good friend Joellen.  So far things are going good.  We haven't really done much but agreed to be tourists in her homeland.  She along with my other friends think it's funny that I call their original place of residence "homeland".  I dunno though.  Our flight was at 8:30am this morning and I was working in the cooler till 3am.  Yup I didn't sleep a wink.  Right now I'm kind of tired but I think Jo's going to be showing me around the mall here.  I think that means we're going shopping.

The one thing I'm really not looking forward to this break is all of the homework that my teachers assigned.  They must seriously be crazy if they think a break is for work.  I dunno. . .cuz even if I hadn't received any homework, I would probably still try to get ahead in my classes.  I just can't believe that I've already hit the half-way mark in the semester.  It's crazy.  

Sorry for the weird entry but I'm just kind of super tired.  I don't think I'm ever going to NOT sleep again.  No all-nighters for me.  I'm too faint of heart.

Hope everything is well for you guys.

mood: contemplative

God Brennan Kitson Kimmura is a total wimp.  I cannot believe that HE was going to break up with me and not even let me know why.  

I would have totally thought it was my fault and then would have felt horrible about it had I not known that he went and made out with kahu's daughter on the band trip.  You know, I really don't care that he did it and I'm actually kind of glad that this whole thing is over.  Sure it was like a whole year and two months but who actually gives a shit right?  Forget about all of the stupid made-for-movie, sappy, extremely crappy lines you threw at me making me really feel that you cared about me and actually had some kind of genuine regard for my well-being.  Whatever.  

What pisses me off is that I could have marched right up to him and confronted him about the situation vis-a-vis.  Man!!!  I would have loved to break his nose again or unleash my blue belt karate skill on his ass.  Seriously man!!!  He even admitted that he was too scared to even talk to me.  That's probably why he rushed off so quickly to his soccer game that whoop-dee-doo. . .he finally got to play in and they won.  I really don't care.  He also tried to blame me for his having kissed Kahu's daughter.  He said it was because of something I wrote on his Christmas Card telling him that I wished he was more supportive of my family situation even if he can't really understand what it is I'm going through.  Then he said because we both are so busy with school and everything we've been doing.  He said I'm just not interested in what it is that he does.  Well you know what?  He isn't with anything that i do??  He always so fucking tired when he calls me that our conversations go nowhere.  We actually were able to have hearty conversations once.  That was while we were both living in the same state and attending the same school.  

I'll admit that I did cry for a few minutes while screaming at him over the phone because this had hurt me.  He even started crying later in the conversation but by that time I just felt bitter and resentful for having ever trusted him with my heart.  I was fine by the end of the conversation.  At that point I really just wanted to kick his ass.  Then he tried to be all genuine in wishing me the best in my future and I pretty much just told him to shove it up his ass because I really wouldn't believe any of the crap he was trying to say to me now.

Oh and what's funnier is now so many people at school hate him!!!  I love it.  Oh and Kahu brought up the situation in BK's ekalesia class!!  I don't even really like Kahu but I do thank him for doing that and embarrasing BK in front of everyone.  

Okay.  That's enough for now.  Like I said in the last entry, guys were never a real priority for me so I can definitely deal with having no boyfriend.  I just realized that this live journal thing is just like a xanga.  I kind of miss xanga.  I think I'll go visit my site.